Daily Pointers, yo.

1. Axe Body Spray does not cover up the smell of personal filth (i.e. funk and body odor).

2. Girls do not automatically want to put band-aids on people just because they're girls.

3. Pensises do not actually get larger when a man holds a drill. They might technically get smaller. (Shrinkage through comparison, you see.)

4. Just because your decision was quick does not make it not stupid.

5. A Cubs baseball game will always look like a blooper reel.

6. Volunteering for more work sometimes means you'll really get more work.

7. A step back is not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes you can get a better sense of the big picture and focus on what's really important (like your crazy, brilliant ideas and talents that got you started in the first place).

8. Halloween costumes lose their luster when worn all day at work, in the evening trick-or-treating, and at night for the big shindig.

9. Throwing your legs up over your ass only works when your ass isn't the size of a small national forest. (Pilates instructors should really know this.)

10. I should really be allowed to make all decisions everywhere. Or else run my own hugely-popular think tank. I'm open for either suggestion although I'm partial to the think tank.

Speaking of renewable resources...

If someone could figure out a way to turn human hair into an energy product, I could fuel the earth for centuries.

That's a fancy way of saying that I shed a lot hair. A lot. There are long, blonde hairs all over my work building and home. And last night they were all over my pilates mat, thanks to an inefficient hair tieback.

I haven't seen any sign of baldness so I'm guessing my hair officiall counts as a renewable resource. I command thy scientists to get on it!

My errant phone is embarrassing.

I had Pilates this morning. I woke up at 5 a.m. with a head pounding and ovaries hashing it out over unpaid electricity bills. (I named my ovaries Stella and Joe. I figured it was very Tennessee Williams-esque up in there, so I named them accordingly. Stella and Joe decide to get angry and fight about stupid shit about once every three months. They used to fight more frequently but they've been on anti-depressants so it's now down to a few times a year. When they fight they throw everything out of their vacation home and toss it down the garbage shoot. It's annoying but ya know, ovaries/uteran vacation homes, right? What are you going to do?)

Needless to say I was not in the mood to be all bendy this morning - especially at a god awful early hour. I decided to text J and tell her I wouldn't be making it. My phone has a tendency to send my text messages to random people. I'll specifically pick someone from my contact list to text and when it's sending it will send a message to my mom, for instance. This morning I was very careful and pulled J's name out of my contact list. I deliberately typed: "Period. Headache. Gross. Staying in." As I was tossing the phone back into its trusty bedside drawer (where it sleeps), it starts singing at me tell me I have a return message. I look and it's from my gay boyfriend C. Love him! He writes me: "And it's raining. I'm staying in too."

Shit. My phone sent my period excuse text not only not to J but also to a boy! Argh! Luckily it's C and he totally understands but still. Is it really necessary for my phone to inform my entire contact list of the goings-on of Stella and Joe?

I need a new phone...

Why did I agree?

Not only did I agree to join the Pilates Bootcamp class at 6:00 a.m. for the next 8 weeks, but I paid for it! I'm insane. I must not be getting enough oxygen to my brain. It's only on Wednesdays but still. And a few weeks ago I scheduled a doctor's appointment for tomorrow (Wednesday) at 9:30 hoping to be able to sleep in a little on a workday, a rarity. But what did my dumb self forget about? 6:00 a.m. pilates, that's what. So not only do I not get to sleep in, but I waste precious face hours at work (the one benefit to an early pilates class is that the boss gets to see me in my office before 9:00 a.m.). Sucks!!!

I am a fool. Officially. Oh and the pilates girl? Is super bendy and kinda freaks me out a little. I can't admit that to my other pilates goers, because I'm too ashamed to cop to my fear of overly flexible things.