Turns out G was right...

G is always telling me not to shoot the finger to people while driving. He's always saying one day I'll get more than I bargained for. As an irate driver himself, it turns out he knows of what he speaks.

Two things one should immediately know about me: I'm too stupid to walk away from an aggressive situation and I'm a total wuss. I guess this translates to me having brass balls but punching like a person who doesn't know how to punch (I refuse to say "like a girl"). I'm kind of like my grandfather's rat terrier (rip to both), Bo, as in Bo Diddly, who didn't realize he was a tiny dog. And to be fair, he was triple the size of all his rat terrier brothers, so he came by his complex honestly. Bo was a big barker and growler and all around penis shower. All fine and dandy until he tried to scare away a possum in the yard and the possum wasn't having it. (Aside: this was also the day I realized those damn animals have lots and lots of teeth and thus developed a fear of them.) After much hissing and showing of teeth (by the possum), the dog lost his shit. For those of us watching, it was almost the funniest thing since the bulldog chasing incident of 1999. (That's another story altogether but the visual is Bo trying to jump inside the house, which wouldn't be that hard except he's too afraid to slow down enough to actually make the turn because a bulldog is hot on his heels. They proceed in laps around the house until one of us stops laughing long enough to take pity on him.) Anyway. I was Bo yesterday. And Jackass was the possum.

Short version: Jackass drove badly. I shot the finger. He banged on my car.

Long version: Jackass was driving an old bronco or jeep type of thing (no windows or ceiling) with a long flat bed trailer thing hoooked up. So his bad driving was especially bad driving given his load. I honked my horn at Jackass once he tried to get in my lane and smash my car. It was a bit of a long honk, because hello? The Jackass was trying to run me over. He turns around in his non-car and starts screaming and yelling at me for daring to honk at him. (At this point I probably should have realized I was dealing with a wild animal and it was best not to provoke but refer to the above paragraph and the thing about being stupid.) I waved my hands at him to shut up and move on into my lane if he needed to. See? Nice? He kept yelling while he was attempting to maneuvre lanes, even after I'd told him he could squeeze in in front of me, so I gave him the finger. (FYI, this is the action G is always telling me not to take. I have a prolific finger and use it at will.) Biiiig mistake. Jackass starts to get out of his car. Oops. My bad!

So I dart off in the next lane and go through the light we were waiting at (it was green). I just assumed that was the end of it and was waiting at the next light on the next block, mentally compiling my list for the grocery store. I looked in my rear view mirror and guess who was back? Jackass was pulling his trailer load and driving all over the street in an attempt to get in the lane next to mine. Jackass was driving even crazier than before. Imagine that! He pulls up next to me and definitely gets out of his car this time. He starts pounding on my car window yelling profanities, saying "watch where you put that finger," and spouting various other lovelies.

Still being a smart ass, I picked up my cell phone and showed it to him. Then I mouthed "9-1-1" as I started to push the buttons to show him I was going to call the cops on the crazy person acting a fool at 38th and Lamar. Of course he jumped right back into his jeep thing. That being that, I closed my phone, having had no intention of actually calling 911. I guess he realized I was fucking with him, because he seemed to get even angrier. Now I, personally, have never been called a whore. At least not to my face. But yesterday I was called a whore so much, I actually looked down at my sweater and jeans to verify that no boobs were sticking out or anything, just in case he thought I actually was advertising my body for money. It was just as I'd expected and everything was in place. I guess he wasn't being very accurate with his name calling and was just falling on whatever horrid female insult he could hurl at me.

I thought about giving him the finger a second time, especially when he was loudly lecturing me on my use of hand gestures (in the form of profanity filled screams), but by then my instincts told me to not aggravate the obvious crazy person. Too bad those instincts didn't kick in earlier. But by then the light turned green and he screeched off down the road into crappy car oblivion while I went on to the grocery store to buy my week's worth of lettuce and feta cheese.

If you guys ever come across a jackass in a white jeep/bronco with a TX license plate P48-KJM, tell him I said hi. And give him the finger, from me. Oh and did I mention the load in his trailer was a pink pedi-cab (those bicycle driven cab things)? I think the cosmic joke is on him.

Nightmare on My Street - Who Knew?

What to my wondering ears should appear but one Fresh Prince and 8 midi drum riffs? I wonder whatever happened to DJ Jazzy Jeff? And the youtube below is the best. It's some kind of crazy Freddy tribute set to Fresh Prince's Nightmare on My Street. Think about that for a second. A tribute video. To Freddy. Set to a Fresh Prince song. Called Nightmare on My Street. The sheer amount of ridiculousness involved in this piece of genius is what Halloween is all about. And candy.

Enjoy!

I've been in a girl fight...

with myself. I awoke Monday morning to find a huge fingernail scratch down the right side of my face. I vaguely remember something itching in that same area overnight and waking up periodically throughout the night with some horrid, stinging pain. But it wasn't until I looked in the mirror that everything came flooding back. So now I'm in constant pain (not severe but aggravating nonetheless as it's in my smile zone), and people keep asking me who I pissed off, what with the claw marks down my pretty, pretty face.

I keep looking at my fingernails trying to find the culprit. They all feel so soft and smooth though. It's hard to get mad at recently manicured nails, ya know?

Am still in shock...

I cooked chicken sausages last night. For the first time EVER I cooked them on the stove and the smoke detector did not go off. And not because I took the batteries out like that one time but because I actually cooked them in a nice, normal way. You know, without the burning and such. I am a culinary genius. Bow before my kitchen glory.
 

And then there were... more...

Harrison Ford. I fucking hated that stupid Indiana Jones movie that just came out anyway. If not for Shia, I would have left you and your idiotic crystal skulls to rot in Naziland (or wherever they were).

And the most devastating - Emma Thompson. I can't imagine someone who makes Jane Austen look so, so good could possibly sign something like this. I'm holding out hope a) it's an impostor and/or b) she's just stupid, not heartless.

Sam Mendes. I managed to miss his name originally. I might be stuck watching inane big-budget flicks if all my indie directors keep signing...

People suck. I'm still completely appalled that Natalie Portman would throw paint on my fur but wouldn't give a rat's ass if I decided to rape her little brother and/or son (if she had either). Nice, Nat, nice.

More names...

Harrison Ford
Jeremy Irons
Natalie Portman (I've always disliked all her stupid opinions and editorials. Save your efforts and go save Israel with your animal friendly shoes, why don't you, Natalie?) - no offense meant to Israel or animal friendly shoes -
Kristin Scott Thomas
Penelope Cruz
Ethan Coen
Guillermo del Toro
Buck Henry
Brett Ratner
Bernardo Bertolucci
Gael Garcia Bernal
Mike Nichols

I am at a loss...

Roman Polanski is a rapist. There is no discussion about it. The facts are not disputed. He gave a quaalude (or a "sliver" of one - whatever) with some champagne and then raped a 13 year-old girl orally, vaginally, and anally (that word seems wrong somehow). And let's be specific about her participation in the whole thing, if one can really say a 13 year-old has the wherewithall to participate in anything sexually, especially with a 43 year-old man. She told him to "keep away" from her and told police she didn't resist more because she was "afraid of him."

Regardless of whether she resisted or not, she was 13. A 13 year-old girl (kid) CANNOT consent to sexual activity with a man, 30 years her senior. Especially when she's drugged.

So why, then, are celebrities and/or artists (if that's what they really are) calling for the release of Polanski? They are going so far as to sign petitions asking for his release calling his arrest a "travesty," saying he's an artistic genius, etc., etc., etc. Of course there are issues involving any kind of extradition but to excuse his behavior because a) it was merely sex with a minor (no such thing - that's called rape)* or b) Polanski is a genius and therefore doesn't deserve to be locked up with all the common, gutter trash is absolutely fucking insane.

*I do believe there is a difference between this situation and a senior in high school having sex with his under 18 high school girlfriend.

If those assholes want to sign petitions eschewing their allegiance to a rapist, artistic or French as he may be, I will help them along. I'm posting their names and boycotting their products and/or work. It'll hurt but these fools deserve it. And I'll add any name I find along the way who supports Roman Polanski being released from prison.

Here are the ones I know of right now (I'm listing in order of my own personal importance w/r/t boycotting - the ones that'll hurt the most and then alphabetical after that):

David Lynch (this hurts my heart)
Wes Anderson (really? I always thought you were a freak but in a good way. Guess I was wrong.)
Martin Scorsese (give me a fucking break)
Diane von Furstenburg (ouch. good thing I can't afford her dresses anyway)
Michael Mann (guess I can't see anymore of your stupid movies with G now)
Jonathan Demme (like his work - Rachel Getting Married, Philadelphia, Silence of the Lambs, etc. Oh well.)
Harvey Weinstein (what has Polanski or child rape ever done for you that you owe them so?)
Tilda Swinton (um... you're living in a group marriage thing so I can understand you wanting to stand up for non-traditional relationships but this is not one of those)
Woody Allen (big surprise - pot, meet kettle)
Salman Rushdie (as if boycotting this douche will really hurt)

Isabelle Adjani
Pedro Almodovar
Paul Auster
Pedro Almodovar
Asia Argento
Jean-Jacques Annaud
Darren Aronofsky
Fanny Ardant
Asia Argento
Olivier Assayas
Gabriel Auer
Christophe Barratier
Gilles Behat
Marco Bellochio
Monica Bellucci
Jean-Jacques Beineix
Yamina Benguigui
Patrick Bouchitey
Jacques Bral
Pascal Bruckner
André Buytaers
Christian Carion
Henning Carlsen
Jean-Michel Carre
Patrice Chéreau
Elie Chouraqui
Souleymane Cissé
Alain Corneau
Jérôme Cornuau
Miguel Courtois
Alfonso Cuaron
Alexandre Desplat
Arielle Dombasle
Georges Dybman
Betrand van Effenterre
Jacques Fansten
Michel Ferry
Stephen Frears
Thierry Frémaux
Sam Gabarski
Tony Gatlif
Costa Gavras
Jean-Marc Ghanassia
Christian Gion
David Heyman
Laurent Heynemann
Isabelle Huppert
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu
Gilles Jacob
Just Jaeckin
Pierre Jolivet
Neil Jordan
Nelly Kaplan
Wong Kar Waï
Jan Kounen
Harmony Korinne
Milan Kundera
Emir Kusturica
John Landis
Claude Lanzmann
Patrice Leconte
Bernard-Henri Levy
François Margolin
Mario Martone
Radu Mihaileanu
Jeanne Moreau
Claude Lanzmann
André Larquié
Claude Lelouche
Claude Miller
Mike Nichols
Michel Ocelot
Alexander Payne
Michele Placido
Jean-Paul Rappeneau
Yasmina Reza
Laurence Roulet
Walter Salles
Jean-Paul Salomé
Marc Sandberg
Julian Schnabel
Barbet Schroeder
Ettore Scola
William Shawcross
Abderrahmane Sissako
Paolo Sorrentino
Radovan Tadic
Danis Tanovic
Bertrand Tavernier
Cécile Telerman
Alain Terzian
Pascal Thomas
Daniele Thompson
Giuseppe Tornatore
Serge Toubiana
Nadine Trintignant
Tom Tykwer
Wim Wenders