Friday, January 30, 2009

Random Office Place Fears...

#1. Being the only person in a smelly bathroom and having other people come in, thinking it was you who made said bathroom smelly.

#2. Scarfing down soup right before a big meeting (because you're such a busy, worker bee) and having something in your teeth the entire meeting.

#3. Spilling your giant bottle of water/cup of coffee/can of diet soda all over original documents.

#4. Having your doctor's nurse call you back while your office is full of people.

#5. Attempting to move the wires to a computer in front of a big inter-office meeting (in a skirt) and falling on your face in the process.

#6. Spilling part of your South Beach peanut butter protein bar on your office chair, attempting to mop it up with lots of water and napkins, and leaving a big, wet spot on your chair that never, ever dries making it look like you peed your chair.

#7. This one needs a preamble: So let's say you dressed quickly in the morning and only as you were getting ready to leave did you notice that the lining for your skirt and/or dress was inching out under your hem (damn shrinkage). You decide to pin up the portion of the lining that's sticking out only you can't find any pins. Starting to panic, because you're already late, you notice a stack of fake, trashy clip-on earrings from a recent Halloween costume. Now on the fear - you are presenting a very important issue in front of a boss you really want to impress and when you stand up, random earring bits start to fall from under your dress.

#8. Scratching your nose when someone walks by your office and looks in mistaking your scratch for a pick.

#9. Accidentally calling your boss a douchebag. To his face.

#10. That someone might actually ask you about all the fancy books you put on your bookshelf but have never really read.

Absolutely none of these happened to me.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

6 Random things about me...

1. I absolutely CANNOT deal with talking about normal, bodily functions. Although I like to think I hide it well, I get as embarassed as the time I heard my mom talking about sex with my dad. I also think one should whisper when discussing such things so one will not be overheard.

2. Making lists and parenthetical references are seriously some of my best/worst writing habits. Take your pick. (FYI, I used the word seriously waay before Grey's Anatomy became popular.)

3. I am afraid to put my blog on my facebook page for fear that one of my facebook friends (or people I used to know 10+ years ago) or family members might see it and realize I'd been writing about them every now and again. Oops. Must compartmentalize.

4. I never use up anything, ever. I always throw it away when it's almost completely empty because I can't wait to open the new thing (i.e. lotions, shampoo, hair products, etc.).

5. I got in another person's argument over the validity of Kanye West at a New Year's Eve party and I cannot. let. it. go.

6. I can tell you the number of stairs in almost any building I frequent. My house? 14. The boy's apartment? 44 (actually it's 43 but I add a fake 44th step because you can't have an odd number of steps or the building will fall down). Parking garage at work? 20 (technically 21 if you count the first step/landing thing but I don't count it because, again, odd numbered stairs make the building come crumbling down). Stairwell at work? 11 for each staircase and there are 2 staircases per flight, so 22.

I'm tagging Blondie at PinkHondaCivic and LK at Pieces on the Ground. My tagger was blooming wildflowers.

The guidelines: Link to your tagger, share 6 random things about yourself, tag a few others (be sure to tell them). And of course, post the rules.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

He's still ahead...

I give Obama a score of 101. (I'm giving him 1 extra point based on pure, unadulterated love.)

As of last Tuesday he had a +1 score for reasons discussed above. A recap (in no particular order and definitely not exhaustive) of points gained and lost in one week.

Gain - first dance with Michelle. Beyonce expressed real emotion and so did I. I was tempted to make this a loss, because it was too pathetic that Beyonce moved me but that's not really Obama's fault... I guess.


Gain - Mexico City Gag Rule Repealed (Washington Post article). I've been on about this issue since law school although I cared more about the loss of funding the UN Population Fund. But a gain nonetheless.


Loss - overuse of the phrase "an abundance of caution" by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. I happened to be home sick when his first press conference aired. The stupid pc word choice has already made its way into popular vernacular and I don't like it. If you're going to be in front of the press, Mr. Gibbs, learn new ways to say the same, old thing.


Gain - closing Gitmo.


Loss - taking a year to do it.


Gain - making sure Citigroup sent that goddamned jet back. He gets 2 points for this one, because he was just so cool about it.


Loss - caving to the conservatives re: birth control in his kazillion dollar relief package (or stimulus, whatever). This pisses me right the hell off. I'd take away 3 points for this but for the fact that both he and Pelosi said the legislation will be reintroduced at a later date. It ticks me off so much when I hear conservatives manipulate an issue like this. All the provision did was allow states to provide contraceptive services to poor women without a huge red tape hullabaloo. (States can already do this but it requires lots of paperwork.) Does he even need Republican support for his stimulus package? He can get it passed easily enough and if those idiot Repubs (not all but some) are going to block an entire package because of misstated socioeconomic bigotry, so be it. Let them be the asses of this story. As is Obama (and Pelosi) get their first serious black marks.

Final Tally: 102

So he's still ahead by 2 points, but I'm ending on a disappointing note. I felt really strongly about the Citigroup jet thing too, so I'll have to try and not let one weak moment cloud my judgment. Especially if he gets the legislation passed at a later date. He'll earn back those points then.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Oh shit this is funny...

I stole this from Pop Candy and she stole it from... I forget who but damn I laughed a lot.

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

I can only hear out of one ear...

and apparently that's normal when sickness invades the body. I knew last week was too good to be true. I paid for all my bad juju wishing (on the Bush) by contracting the mack daddy of all colds. Lucky me. Oh well. At least I got to eat ice cream. I mean, if you have a ravaged throat, what else are you supposed to eat, right? I don't know what Samosas are (other than that they're Girl Scout cookies), but this ice cream is the best evah! We won't talk about all the other things one resorts to when bored but unable to leave one's domain...

But I did manage to finish Season 2 of The Tudors. I cried at the end, which made my already swollen and puffy face even more swollen and puffy. The woman who played Queen Anne is so pretty. I hated to see her pretty head cut off. Damn that King Henry. As an aside, I can never say "King Henry" out loud without singing his pretty, little diddy "Henry the VIII, I am, I am..." Oh and apparently on Who The Tudor Are You? I'm a Noble. I can live with that. For another 21 years, it seems. I didn't ask the stupid quiz to predict my death. Damn them. Oh and can we say beautiful people? I'm not sure who I like more...

Okay a compromise: She's prettier but he's hotter. Unless he's prettier. I'm unsure again.
I also watched the first two parts of the John Adams mini-series, mastered bit torrent downloading (finally!), discovered two new cds, lusted after Fernando Gonzalez and Rafa Nadal (they grow on you at 4:30 in the morning when the Australian Open is at its peak), did 7 loads of laundry, had an official taste test to finally decide if aged gouda or gruyere is the better cheese (gruyere wins), and decided where I'll put my new shoe rack when the beautiful new Orla Keily stuff arrives at Target.

For your viewing pleasure:


and Rafa:

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Signed, Sealed, Delivered, He's Ours...

And it's official! It's a good day. I'm officially NOT disgruntled - for once.

Some random thoughts:

1. I think I saw Starr Jones bragging on Fox News about being in the "orange" section to see Obama get sworn in. I have no clue if that's good or bad, but I'm guessing if she made a point to say it, it must be good. Lame. (Secretly jealous though.)

2. Alicia Keys wore a short dress to a very obviously black tie, possibly white tie affair. It's an inaugural ball, for god's sake. Wear something floor-length, will you?

3. I loved the silver, gunmetal color of Beyonce's nails. I really loved how she cried while singing to the First Couple. I cried too. I'm such a sap.

4. I love how they seem so intimate even though millions of people are watching them. If it's an act, it's an exceptionally good one. (I think it's real.)

5. There was one douche at the Youth Ball wearing a striped, polo shirt. Give me a goddamnned break, right? How did that guy get in? He couldn't get into a tacky Las Vegas club but he could get into an inaugural ball?

6. I'm not from Chicago or anything but the Cubs are my 2nd favorite team. I don't hate the White Sox or anything but come on, Mr. President (ooohh, I love writing that!), don't start off your Presidency hating on the Cubbies. They're cursed enough as it is.

7. Jon Stewart is exceptionally funny unless Samantha Bee is around and then he just plain sucks.

8. Saddleback sounds waaay too much like bareback for me to even begin to take Rev. Warren's gay-hating seriously.

9. The first openly gay bishop of the Episcopal church (on The Daily Show) is wearing a pink shirt and bares a striking resemblance to Elton John. Coincidence or bad joke?

10. Oddly enough, Fox News had way better inaugural ball coverage than any of the other news channels. Shocking. The coverage was incredibly public access, if you will, but extensive.

11. So that poem the female poet I should probably not admit I don't know read? Not the best. I'll have to read it to make a final decision, but rhythmic poetry just doesn't translate well to the masses.

12. Texas just gained a new full-time citizen. I guess you could say we're taking one for the team.

Friday, January 16, 2009

God how I hate BBQ...

How much food does it take to feed a party of 22? In my mom's world, it takes 6.5 lbs of cow, 4 half birds, and 10 lbs of miscellaneous pork parts wrapped in edible condoms. Not to mention sides and desserts.

If you ever wondered why Texas is top 5 in obesity it's because of the above. That's basically a pound of meat (just meat!) per person plus sides plus desserts. I say desserts plural because there will be many cakes and pies, as a southern family is want to do. (Technically we're west, not south, but we eat like poor, southern people so that works better for description's sake.)

I scoured the internet for the proper amount of food per person for a party. I came up with 1/4 lb of meat (or 1/2 lb if it's boned meat). Basically my family eats 4 x what the normal person would eat. It's quite gross actually.

I will not eat any of it, of course. I don't eat cow; I try to avoid sausage parts; and meat on a bone grosses me out. I thought about going to a local place and getting some wheat roast (fake meat) to see if anyone would notice, but I knew they would and I'd never live it down. Once your good food reputation is lost in my family, it's lost forever. (They still talk about the time my mother tried to make Stouffer's Stuffing at Thanksgiving one year and that was over 30 years ago!)

I tried to find a picture of 20 lbs of meat but the images grossed me out so bad I had to take a moment. So no pics.

Meat is gross.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

If I were going to the inauguration...

I'd wear this:

But with better hair and possibly in a deep, royal/peacock blue. I'd prefer a royal blue with the iridescent parts in peacock blue. Damn, I'd look good next to Obama. Not, you know, in place of Michelle, per se, just for pictures and what not.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Permanently disgruntled? Perhaps.

Never buy from Barnes & Noble online or ship via UPS. I ordered a ton of books (9 or 10, which is a ton for me) on 12/26. I used 3 day air and paid via PayPal, mainly because I was too lazy to get up and get my debit card and PayPal was an easy click away. Then the problems started:

1. They charged Paypal oh, half a dozen times. I have no clue why.
2. They didn't ship for 5 days even though it should have already been at my house 2 days before they even decided to ship.
3. They split my order into 2 packages, which is ordinarily fine, but in the case of B&N, they decide to inform you 7 days after your package should have already arrived that they are splitting your order up even though they already sent out confirmation emails on everything.
4. UPS drops off a lovely, yellow InfoNotice, because oddly I was not at home from the hours of 2 to 5 in the middle of a work day. Odd.
5. UPS man/woman checks "A signature is required on delivery." I look to the back to read the instructions to make sure this is the one where I can just sign, not necessarily in person. It says, "If the 'A signature is required on delivery' box is checked, the driver must receive a signature either in person or by signing below." So I sign below and leave it for the driver.
6. The driver does not leave my package the next day and instead leaves a final notice. Great. (This was Tuesday.)
7. Wednesday evening I get home and there's a lovely book on my doorstep. Yes! No InfoNotice, no nothing. It's only 1 book and I remember that B&N split my order in two but still. I have 1 piece!
8. I'm about to travel over lunch to the boonies, where the UPS is oh-so conveniently located, when I decide to double check my tracking number online.
9. Hmmm... that's weird. It appears that my package is in fucking Pennsylvania. Rana - want some books?
10. I call the 800 number knowing my anger will most likely get the better of me and get a return phone call within an hour, as per policy.
11. The local UPS woman tells me the shipper insists on getting a signature in person. I politely (I think) inform the UPS woman that that was not the box that was checked on the multiple InfoNotices on my doors.
12. Then the local UPS woman decides that the driver must not have felt it was a safe location to leave a package, so that's why he didn't pay attention to the signature on the notice. I mention the package delivered the day before, just left on my doorstep, from UPS, presumably the same driver. I also mention how UPS packages are left on mine and my neighbors' doorsteps practically every week (I have 4 neighbors in my fourplex), so I doubt the usual driver has an issue with safety.
13. With no response, she informs me I must call the 800 number back and ask them to "intercept" my package. She apparently can't intercept my package and my only other option is to contact B&N and try to convince them to send me another package. Did I mention a couple of the books I ordered were 1 or 3 or some such low stock bullshit?
14. I call the 800 number. Oops. They can't do an intercept. I have to call the shipper.

Fucking shit, man. Now I have to call B&N, the original fuck-up and demand they send me my books all over again?

I hate B&N and UPS. I'm officially disgruntled. I can't even remember what books I ordered anymore. Damn.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

And I'm back.

After a 6ish week blog break, I've finally mustered up the energy (time?) to come up with more dumb shit to say. Lucky me. Lucky everyone else.

Dumb shit #1: New Year's Resolutions. I made some. I can't remember all of them (always happens to things I get excited about), but the highlights are:
1. Be more crafty. So far - success! I've made 4 crafty things this year. 2 of them turned out halfway decently. The other 2 aren't even good enough to give away for free. Oh well. It happens. I'm hoping for enough crafty items to start an etsy account, but right now that's only a hope.

2. Cook more. So far - success! I cooked a pot of beans over the weekend. Yep, that's it. The sad thing is that one cooking attempt in 7 days counts as a success. Well it does. I really, really don't cook, okay?

3. Go to the gym more starting January 5th. (Hey I'm not dumb enough to start a fitness New Year's resolution when I'm still hungover from a NY Eve party. I have priorities.) So far - success! I went Monday, I'm going today, and I have a pilates class this evening. I keep flucuating on what my goal should be. Should I aim for the ultimate - 6 days a week? Or should I aim for 3 and hope for more? I'm unsure as to what my failure rate might be, so I'm unsure where to set goals. I have strict philosophies about not letting myself down, which usually equates to not setting really high goals. Oh and writing things down on a to-do list that I've already done and scratching them all off. I like to feel successful too.

4. Be more budget-minded. So far - success! I spent most of last week at work (stupid holiday weeks when everyone else is on vacation) creating a year-long budget for myself. This isn't really too difficult to do because I budget every month. It's just that now I've decided to spend only cash, which I hope will make my lack of memory not be the reason I've blown my budget this month. (I never, ever remember all of my debit card purchases, even if I keep the receipts.)

5. Join the local community orchestra. So far - failure. I suck. 'Nuff said about that.

6. Volunteer more. So far - failure. I've done nothing except buy some cheap Soy Joy bars (seriously, like $.74 for 6 boxes!) that I intend to donate to the food bank. Only I'm not terribly sure where the food bank is. So that's another obstacle.

Here's to wishing success in the new year! I also plan on figuring out how to make my computer run faster but that's not a new year's resolution, just an I'm-going-to-fucking-throw-this-fucking-thing-across-the-fucking-room resolution, ya know?