Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Bathroom Etiquette 101

I once heard a friend ranting about how horrid automated bathrooms were/are. His argument was completely devoid of all rational thought. I know this because I disagree completely. Therefore I'm right and he's wrong. Especially because bathrooms are gross and anyone who doesn't understand that is a sick, sick freak. Automated bathrooms (except for hand dryers - give me a germ attack, will ya?) are my own personal heaven. Toilet seat condoms? Faucets you don't have to touch? Doors that just have those twisty turn things so people can't see in instead of actual doors with doorknobs? Glorious, fecal free world, I heart thee.

So what should we, as a society, do if we are not privy (no half-assed pun intended (ha! no 2nd pun intended either)) to the beauty of the automated bathroom?

Rule #1: If you're at work, use the bathroom on your floor only for liquid waste, not solid waste. No one needs to know you in that way. Go to a different floor to share that particular knowledge with the plumbing system.

Rule #2: Never touch any of your body to a toilet seat - never. Use a toilet seat condom or if there are none available, make your own with the useful toilet paper sitting right there.

Rule #3: Rule #2 applies to flushing as well. That's what feet are for.

Rule #4: Wash your hands for 15 seconds, minimum. I prefer a nice, regimented routine of 5 seconds under water, 5 seconds lathering, and 5 seconds rinsing. It works out quite nicely.

Rule #5: Use a paper towel to turn off the sink faucet. You used dirty hands (that touched the outside bathroom door handle, the bathroom stall door, the toilet paper roll, and the stall door lock) to turn it on, so don't undo all your hard work by dirtying up your clean hands to turn it off.

Rule #6: Dry hands thoroughly. There's nothing worse than meeting someone in the hallway that you absolutely must shake hands with and having moist hands, especially if they see you've come from the bathroom. Best to avoid the speculation at all costs.

Rule #7: Use a different paper towel to open the bathroom door to get out. Lots of dirty, sick people do not wash their hands when they leave the bathroom and touch that very door handle. Again, why undo all the hard work of the cleansing process?

Rule #8: If you are in an office building, continue using the same paper towel to open all other doors that stand in the way of you and your office/desk/cube/etc. Those same fecal matter carrying freaks are opening the same doors you are.

I almost forgot Rule #9: Don't brush your teeth in the office bathroom. It's just gross. And really the dentist association people say too much brushing is actually bad for you. Pop a trident instead.

A little compulsion goes a long way in creating a happy potty experience for us all. Thank you and good bathrooming.


Anonymous said...

Much to my olfactory (and sometimes auditory) dismay, the ladies on my floor are shameless with their bowel movements.

Tina said...

Nice girls don't shit.

Anonymous said...

If niceness was inversely proportional to the frequency and/or amount of BMs, then I must be the exploding shit monster.

BTW I think you should put a trademark on the phrase "happy potty."