Wednesday, October 13, 2004

The Truth About Drinks and Men

Man, this could get ugly... Nah, never mind. I'll save that one for another day. Instead I'll amuse you with what a drink says about a man (uh, boy?).

What He Orders - What He Thinks It Says - What It Really Says
A Bud (of some sort) - I'm real macho. - I'm real cheap.
Double martini - I'm Bond, James Bond. - I'm bombed, James, bombed.
Chardonnay - I'm in touch with my feminine side. - I'm a touch on the feminine side.
Bad Girl Cocktail - I love strong women. - I'll do anything to score a strong woman.
Gin & Tonic - I'm a class act. - I'm a class-act bore.
Red Bull & Vodka - I'm ready to go all night! - It's past my bedtime.
Long Island Iced Tea - I'm a party animal! - I'm 16!
Shot of Jack Daniels - I'm hardcore. - I'm a hardcore alcoholic.
Cosmopolitan - I'm cosmopolitan. - I'm a pretty boy.
Mojito - I'm erotic, sweet, and sexy. - I'm trendy.
Champagne - I celebrate life. - I celebrate when I'm away from my wife.

Now I'm going to add my own version from personal experience:

Brews his own beer - has way too much time on his hands. Too scared of the strong life force that is you to do anything. At all. Also a little bit weird, probably brought on from the too much time.
Whiskey/Bourbon/Scotch on the rocks - very sexy. Nothing wrong with that at all. Maybe drinks too much but alas, don't we all?
Bud/Miller/Coors Light - frat boy. Run fast. Run far.
Merlot - Loves Seinfeld and thinks they're into the whole "wine thing" - don't be fooled. They're probably wearing their one, if at all, semi-fashionable outfit.
Zima/other advertiseable malt beverages - Oh My God. If you're with a boy or at a place where that kind of boy is at, leave immediately. You've stepped into the backwoods and you don't want to make any sudden movements for fear they might trap you and eat you.
White Russian - not a big drinker. He's probably drinking just because you are and that's kind of sweet. But it also kind of sucks when you want to go out and hit the town. It's a toss-up.
Shots of tequila/whiskey/other hard alcohol as long as it's a good brand - For a first drink? My kinda man. I've yet to find one of these so if you do, direct him to me!
Water/Sprite - ugh. Either a Mormon (usually a good guess) or some kind of crazy bodybuilder healthnut who is a stripper for his day (excuse me, night) job. This type will not appreciate your funny antecdotes as you drink glass after glass of wine. They will not think you're charming when you spill your drink and they will not think you're cute when have to hold on to them to keep from stumbling in your 3-4 inchers. Trust me on this one. With this type, however, I do encourage drinking because their conversation will not be enough to make it through the night.

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