Monday, October 04, 2004

Something Truly Evil

I'm planning the big Halloween bash. Good times all around. One dilemma. What to be? For a costume, I mean. I threw out 80s slasher victim with big dress and all but when I went to Goodwill, I found I couldn't actually stomach all the tacky dresses. Then I thought Punk Rock Vampire. The thought of plaid pants on my big 'ole ass scared that costume idea right out of me. Brandi came up with Laci Peterson, which I'm still considering. Morbid, maybe, but funny, definitely! And for kicks I could carry around a mutilated baby doll. Hee! The horror of it all! Not sure if I'm digging the bad karma I might receive from such a costume, I tried to think of other evil things to conjure up. I landed temporarily on Suzanne Sugarbaker from Designing Women and I think I've finally settled on Blanche from Golden Girls. Not technically evil but the absurdity of 80s over-the-top women is pretty damn close to horrifying. So I started the day with the three ideas (Laci, Suzanne, and Blanche) running through my mind when I came across something/someone truly evil. The evilness that is the asshole co-worker. Now how, you ask, can a co-worker be evil? (Or maybe you don't ask because you know exactly what kind of person I'm talking about.) It's simple really. Throw in one part attempted (but failed) alpha male, one part bad body odor, one part haven't-done-it-in-so-long-might-as-well-be-a-virgin, two parts misogyny, and there you have your true, honest-to-goodness, evil co-worker. There's probably a cut out somewhere that some Supreme Being uses for laughs, because there are so many of these people out there. But here is the Question: How do you turn something as evil as the evil co-worker into a Halloween costume? Get a too-tight tie? Spray on too much cologne after not showering and rolling around with dogs? Get some pit stains on a very starched white shirt? Wear pleated pants? But can these simple wardrobe pieces really transform oneself into the evil co-worker? What about the essence? How to capture that? I can tap into my inner slut to portray Blanche and my inner beauty queen to be Suzanne, but what can I find in myself to act out the very horrors of the co-worker? I think the answer is I can't. As sad as I find it, I just don't think I have it in me to come up with that kind of evilness. It's too bad really, because the outfit alone would have the good co-workers laughing for months!

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